Lately I have been struggling with feelings of dissatisfaction.
I’ve written blogs only to delete them.
Sermon ideas get jotted down, only to be scribbled out.
Movies get watched, only to be met with a dismissive shrug.
Books get read, only to have a bookmark placed in them and shelved.
Even my art, that lifelong refuge from this screaming world, has more than once resulted with a pencil in my hand and a stark white page that mocks my lack of creativity.
Why all of the dissatisfaction? I don’t think it’s depression or a lack of contentment. I think it’s something deeper. Much deeper.
I think I am growing weary of the superficiality of my life. I’m tired of playing in the shallow end. Like a kid who can’t swim, I am looking longingly at the water slides, diving boards and big splashes at the deep end of the pool. I want the adventure, the fun, and, yes, even the danger, of going deeper with my commitment to Christ, His Church and His mission.
The problem? I’m comfortable. I’ve grown accustomed to the safety of the shallow end, where there are no waves, no big splashes, and where the water is warmest. Let me just sit on my raft, sipping my drink, enjoying the sun.
So what does God do? He puts a spirit of dissatisfaction within me. He doesn’t allow me to be content with comfort. He compels me to get off the raft and do the unthinkable: walk towards the deep end!
What will I do when the water is over my head?
Will he let me drown?
Is it cold in the deepest parts?
These are my thoughts as I look at the blank Moleskine notebook before me. Compelled to write a book that may never be published, I feel the water at my neck and my pulse quicken. I’m afraid. But I’m also alive!
And I hear God whisper, “Take the next step.”